was it ever casual?

I was watching a Call Her Daddy podcast today and there was a clip of Penn Badgley where he asked, "Is it ever casual? Show me somebody who really, really is casual about it." And immediately my brain went to this one person (and the sake of this saga, he's staying anonymous).

I met him sometime in middle school, I think. And we just kinda clicked. I mean, we would text all the time, hang out outside of school, joke around. Normal friend stuff, yk.

Around a year later, he got a girlfriend. Apparently, she wouldn't even let him have female friends, and bc of that, our friendship kinda disappeared overnight. At first, I didn't think much of it. Friends come and go all the time, and I just assumed that was what happened.

Anyways, they break up, and now I'm getting texts again. It was like no time had passed. We just picked right back up where we left off, joking around and talking like we always did.

Looking back now, that probably should’ve been my first sign. Because if he truly didn't care, he likely wouldn't have texted back in the first place.

Anyways, during my freshman year of high school, I was sitting in biology class looking through our old texts. The girl sitting next to me (who was definitely being a little nosy, but I can't even blame her fr) started reading them. A few minutes later, she goes, “Whoever this is, he likes you.” And I genuinely thought she was joking bc there's no way.

Then she starts pointing out all this stuff I'd literally never noticed before. The way he talked to me. The things he said. The effort he put in. And I'm just sitting there like...omg am I actually an idiot??

A year or so later, some night in February, I was with my friends when he texted me. We went back and forth for a little while, joking around and whatnot, until he randomly said "love you" (not "I love you," which is very different, obvi), which kinda threw me off because we'd literally never said stuff like that before.

I said it back...as a joke though. He replied, "Wait, really?" I told him after that I was only joking. Idk if he got embarrassed, thought I was making fun of him, got mad... whatever it was, he blocked me.

(Now, what I did might not have been the smartest thing, but it already happened so there's no going back.)

Honestly, looking back, I don’t think it was ever as casual as I convinced myself it was. Maybe he was hoping our friendship would become something more. Maybe I just didn't realize what was happening until way later.

Oh well..what can a girl do? 

(also if he somehow finds this, I'm screwed)